50,000,000 Years Ago
HUGE SHOES FOR SALE -- "Standing at the podium, Lionel B. Ambulocetus, the president of the International League of Whales, was brief in his remarks, but there was no mistaking his anger. 'That's it, we're getting out of here,' he proclaimed. 'Life on land has no future, so we're returning to the seas. I've urged all our members to begin spending more time at the beach and to look for mates with shorter legs. We know it's not going to happen overnight, but we're going back to the oceans where we belong.' Staring down at his own feet, he said, 'A day will come when I need these like a hole in the head.'
"Mr. Ambulocetus was not shy about explaining the reasons for the whales' planned migration. 'Quite frankly, it's the primates. I know they're small and there aren't very many of them, but they make an unbelievable amount of noise, and their little grasping forefeet give me the creeps. We are convinced that the primates are going to cause a lot of trouble for everyone, and we don't want to be around when it happens. At least in the oceans, we'll be safe.'"