Image: Diego Cervo
-
The Wisdom of Psychopaths
In this engrossing journey into the lives of psychopaths and their infamously crafty behaviors, the renowned psychologist Kevin Dutton reveals that there is a...
Read More »
Five years ago I had the misfortune of beginning a relationship one week before Valentine’s day. Long hours and many glasses of wine were consumed trying to develop the perfect strategy to court this new woman, and this most saccharine of holidays was proving to be an obstacle. Should I be assertive and make plans with her for the night? Should I assume that we’d be together that evening? Should I assume the contrary? Would presents be involved? If so, of what sort? According to friends’ counsel, my decision would hinge on the message I wanted to communicate. That is, how interested did I want to appear to this woman? The answer to this type of question has long been debated. When trying to establish a relationship is it better to play hard to get or is it better to wear one’s heart on one’s sleeve?
Psychologists have had little to say on this matter for quite some time. Some seminal data suggests that honesty is the best policy. If you like him, tell him. After all, it feels good to be liked by others, so to win his heart you should aim to be the source of such feelings. Shower the object of your desire with attention and gifts. Make it clear that you’re into him.
But pop culture tells us otherwise. In the words of Vince Vaughn, “If you call too soon you might scare off a beautiful baby who’s ready to party”. Indeed, one of the principle tenets of the burgeoning pick-up artist business is to mildly insult your prospective partner – “neg” her. Let her know that you could truly do without her.
Of course, Hollywood scripts and the subjective musings of sex-crazed twenty somethings do not a theory make. But new research into the science of decision making has begun to reveal why playing hard to get might be a viable relationship-building strategy after all. Turns out, across many domains, people are drawn to uncertainty. When we are unsure of an important outcome (like whether he will ever call) we, quite naturally, think about it. Did she lose my number? Maybe he’s just very busy this week. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned my credit card debt. And perhaps the more a potential positive outcome (a date) is on our mind, the more we come to value and desire that outcome. The longer we stare at that phone and wonder, the more desperately we want it to ring.
Erin Whitchurch, Tim Wilson and Dan Gilbert sought to test this possibility in a recent study published in the journal Psychological Science. They showed female college students the Facebook profiles of four men who they were told had previously looked at, and rated, their own profile. The women were then either told that these were pictures of men who liked them the most, men who rated them as average, or that they were either men who liked them most or rated them as average. Previous research suggests that the women should be most attracted to those men who they know like them. These men were a sure bet for positive reinforcement, and who doesn’t like that? However, the authors’ uncertainty hypothesis predicted that women should be most attracted to those whose feelings they weren’t so sure about.
See what we're tweeting about
16 Comments
Add CommentYou know, it sounds like you married your mom.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisInteresting article. I have to wonder if it just doesn't come down to wanting what we can't have.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisFor me, in the past, the type of situation where interest was only one sided--begged a conquest!
But I'm that way.
Stereotypically, men like a chase--I think that women do so as well but I'm not entirely certain that many women are so readily able to admit to it.
Study is more evidence that humans are nothing more than a chimpanzee with an intellect they can't fully utilize.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIf you're looking to statistics to win your sweetheart, then maybe you should reconsider your choice.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisUnless you're fine with spending whatever time you have with her or him, going to Google to decide what to do next.
One of the misapplications of technology is the intrusion of technique into the formation and management of emotional relationships. Technology, and its root - technique - have limited application.
To comment in the most helpful manner a full review of the actual study is required; however, a few thoughts are extended:
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisPt.1. "the men who they know like them". I will be blunt, that statement is nonsense! The fact is they (the female subjects) did not know these men. The natural assumption a women makes when a guy is a bit to positive (relative to other groups) early on, is that he is a desperate loser (same applies in a job interview, more job desperate you are the less they trust you).
Pt.2. Regarding, the guys who "rated them as average" (that is the kiss of death for those guys); they are not really in this race.
Pt3. The last group comes across more honest and stronger. You see, that group is not felt as it reads: "they were either men who liked them most or rated them as average", comes into the mind tangled & ends up, "maybe I think your average or maybe I think your tops", or the like. That mental image makes this group of guys more believable and less desperate (less desperate is associated with power). So it is not so much a "mystery" deal, it is (as usual) all about perceived power & honesty. R. Carlson
I agree with amygoogs, haha
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisBrilliant comment.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWe like the other person to fall for us of course. At the same time if this happens too quickly then after coupling/marriage we would wonder if the other person is just as likely to fall for someone else this quickly! But if they fall for us over time (or appear to do so) then we credit ourself with the conquering of their heart; something that probably others cannot do, at least not so easily. So we are more reassured that the other person is ours and will stay with us. So evolution-wise we prefer someone who falls for us after some courting. We prefer someone who plays hard to get. Because that means if we finally get them then it will be even harder for others to get them.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisSo women who might say yes too quickly are seen as ... ; sorry! Yes, that is why women have to say "no" the first few times even if they mean yes. If they say yes straight away, serious men will run away.
[All the above are meaningful in the context of seeking long-term mates.]
I do not agree. I have always been attracted to men who
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thiswere honest and sincere about their feelings.Playing with one´s feelings is, for sure, related to men´s behaviour towards women.
I don't know, I think feelings of uncertainty are more likely to be a symptom of liking someone than a cause. If you really like someone of course you are going to agonize over whether they really like you back or not, even if it might seem obvious to outsiders that they do. If you don't already like someone or find them interesting, no matter how hard to get they play, you aren't going to care if they call you back or not.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisFrom knowledge of human nature, you are quite right.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThere are a number of creatures that have parallel behavioral patterns; of course, such creatures would not rationalize decisions. I suspect many (if not most) humans would fall into the same instinctual response category. The biologically important decisions, for the most part, we make at a basic level (the so called “gut” level); our conscious ruminations are but icing on that instinctual cake.
“Dating” strategies are, of course, reproductive strategies (in order to understand the “game” one must keep an eye on the “ball”). Most of us are quite aware, naiveté or wishful thinking aside, the biological rules for the males are quite different from the biological rules for the females. R. Carlson
From knowledge of human nature, you are quite right.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThere are a number of creatures that have parallel behavioral patterns; of course, such creatures would not rationalize decisions. I suspect many (if not most) humans would fall into the same instinctual response category. The biologically important decisions, for the most part, we make at a basic level (the so called “gut” level); our conscious ruminations are but icing on that instinctual cake.
“Dating” strategies are, of course, reproductive strategies (in order to understand the “game” one must keep an eye on the “ball”). Most of us are quite aware, naivete or wishful thinking aside, the biological rules for males are quite different from the biological rules for females. R. Carlson
<a href="http://www.erectiledysfunction-pills.com/">Buy Cialis Online</a>
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI don't know- there were several girls who I asked out in my single days that turned me down so I never bothered asking them a 2nd or 3rd time.
If they really liked me they never let me know- I never asked again so their saying "no" the first time did nothing to help the chances. Even girls I dated- if I sensed that they didn't seem thrilled to be with me I wouldn't ask out a second time even if I like them.
I always figured there were too many girls in the world to waste time chasing one that wasn't interested in me.
I think it laughable that a woman or a man who are searching for a mate is going to want to play any games in wondering if someone wants to be with you or not. If you have to guess then you have no clue about dating and need a book to tell you. With women or men interest is built on many factors which is different for all. If you want someone to be interested in you first need to know something very basic like are you attractive to them physically and mentally? If not you have no chance and should move on to someone who is. Generally it comes down to basic animal instincts if you are in touch with them you know right away if a man or a women is attracted to you by body language and facial expressions when you are in close proximity of them. But what happens after you open your mouth is where you fly or crash. In general what do we know? Most people are attracted to good looking, thin, intelligent, vibrant people. This is due to what we are brainwashed with from the cradle on by the media as what we should want and is ingrained into use just like a religion. That view has changed over the century’s but one thing is constant you still have to have a very good understanding of yourself and what about you others find attractive about you. If you don’t know that about yourself you are fishing without a pole.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI think it laughable that a woman or a man who are searching for a mate is going to want to play any games in wondering if someone wants to be with you or not. If you have to guess then you have no clue about dating and need a book to tell you. With women or men interest is built on many factors which is different for all. If you want someone to be interested in you first need to know something very basic like are you attractive to them physically and mentally? If not you have no chance and should move on to someone who is. Generally it comes down to basic animal instincts if you are in touch with them you know right away if a man or a women is attracted to you by body language and facial expressions when you are in close proximity of them. But what happens after you open your mouth is where you fly or crash. In general what do we know? Most people are attracted to good looking, thin, intelligent, vibrant people. This is due to what we are brainwashed with from the cradle on by the media as what we should want and is ingrained into use just like a religion. That view has changed over the century’s but one thing is constant you still have to have a very good understanding of yourself and what about you others find attractive about you. If you don’t know that about yourself you are fishing without a pole.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this