Indeed, the results confirmed their hypothesis. The women liked these mystery men even more than the men who they knew liked them. Why? Over the course of the 15 minute study the women reported thinking significantly more about them. And when thoughts continuously pop into our heads people tend to construct explanations for why this occurs. If I can’t get this guy off my mind, I must really like him. So, the best strategy to pique the man or woman of your dreams might be to keep your feelings in the dark. Let them guess.
The catch is that this strategy only works if your target actually likes you. Indeed, the more people tend to think about the possibility of uncertain negative outcomes (what is the biopsy going to show?) the worse they come to feel about that outcome. So think of playing hard to get as a kind of relationship litmus test. If he likes you already, then being distant will only make his heart grow fonder. But if you don’t ever hear back, then you can be confident that it wasn’t meant to be.
I wasn’t privy to this cutting edge research five years ago as I pondered how to deal with the impending holiday. A few days of waffling back and forth and I ended up going out to a mediocre bistro with my parents. A road less traveled, surely, and certainly not a decision that screams “I’m interested”. But my mom gave me pink-hearted socks, so not all was lost. And I ended up marrying the girl.
Are you a scientist? Have you recently read a peer-reviewed paper that you want to write about? Then contact Mind Matters co-editor Gareth Cook, a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist at the Boston Globe, where he edits the Sunday Ideas section. He can be reached at garethideas AT gmail.com
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16 Comments
Add CommentYou know, it sounds like you married your mom.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisInteresting article. I have to wonder if it just doesn't come down to wanting what we can't have.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisFor me, in the past, the type of situation where interest was only one sided--begged a conquest!
But I'm that way.
Stereotypically, men like a chase--I think that women do so as well but I'm not entirely certain that many women are so readily able to admit to it.
Study is more evidence that humans are nothing more than a chimpanzee with an intellect they can't fully utilize.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIf you're looking to statistics to win your sweetheart, then maybe you should reconsider your choice.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisUnless you're fine with spending whatever time you have with her or him, going to Google to decide what to do next.
One of the misapplications of technology is the intrusion of technique into the formation and management of emotional relationships. Technology, and its root - technique - have limited application.
To comment in the most helpful manner a full review of the actual study is required; however, a few thoughts are extended:
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisPt.1. "the men who they know like them". I will be blunt, that statement is nonsense! The fact is they (the female subjects) did not know these men. The natural assumption a women makes when a guy is a bit to positive (relative to other groups) early on, is that he is a desperate loser (same applies in a job interview, more job desperate you are the less they trust you).
Pt.2. Regarding, the guys who "rated them as average" (that is the kiss of death for those guys); they are not really in this race.
Pt3. The last group comes across more honest and stronger. You see, that group is not felt as it reads: "they were either men who liked them most or rated them as average", comes into the mind tangled & ends up, "maybe I think your average or maybe I think your tops", or the like. That mental image makes this group of guys more believable and less desperate (less desperate is associated with power). So it is not so much a "mystery" deal, it is (as usual) all about perceived power & honesty. R. Carlson
I agree with amygoogs, haha
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisBrilliant comment.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWe like the other person to fall for us of course. At the same time if this happens too quickly then after coupling/marriage we would wonder if the other person is just as likely to fall for someone else this quickly! But if they fall for us over time (or appear to do so) then we credit ourself with the conquering of their heart; something that probably others cannot do, at least not so easily. So we are more reassured that the other person is ours and will stay with us. So evolution-wise we prefer someone who falls for us after some courting. We prefer someone who plays hard to get. Because that means if we finally get them then it will be even harder for others to get them.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisSo women who might say yes too quickly are seen as ... ; sorry! Yes, that is why women have to say "no" the first few times even if they mean yes. If they say yes straight away, serious men will run away.
[All the above are meaningful in the context of seeking long-term mates.]
I do not agree. I have always been attracted to men who
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thiswere honest and sincere about their feelings.Playing with one´s feelings is, for sure, related to men´s behaviour towards women.
I don't know, I think feelings of uncertainty are more likely to be a symptom of liking someone than a cause. If you really like someone of course you are going to agonize over whether they really like you back or not, even if it might seem obvious to outsiders that they do. If you don't already like someone or find them interesting, no matter how hard to get they play, you aren't going to care if they call you back or not.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisFrom knowledge of human nature, you are quite right.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThere are a number of creatures that have parallel behavioral patterns; of course, such creatures would not rationalize decisions. I suspect many (if not most) humans would fall into the same instinctual response category. The biologically important decisions, for the most part, we make at a basic level (the so called “gut” level); our conscious ruminations are but icing on that instinctual cake.
“Dating” strategies are, of course, reproductive strategies (in order to understand the “game” one must keep an eye on the “ball”). Most of us are quite aware, naiveté or wishful thinking aside, the biological rules for the males are quite different from the biological rules for the females. R. Carlson
From knowledge of human nature, you are quite right.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThere are a number of creatures that have parallel behavioral patterns; of course, such creatures would not rationalize decisions. I suspect many (if not most) humans would fall into the same instinctual response category. The biologically important decisions, for the most part, we make at a basic level (the so called “gut” level); our conscious ruminations are but icing on that instinctual cake.
“Dating” strategies are, of course, reproductive strategies (in order to understand the “game” one must keep an eye on the “ball”). Most of us are quite aware, naivete or wishful thinking aside, the biological rules for males are quite different from the biological rules for females. R. Carlson
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Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI don't know- there were several girls who I asked out in my single days that turned me down so I never bothered asking them a 2nd or 3rd time.
If they really liked me they never let me know- I never asked again so their saying "no" the first time did nothing to help the chances. Even girls I dated- if I sensed that they didn't seem thrilled to be with me I wouldn't ask out a second time even if I like them.
I always figured there were too many girls in the world to waste time chasing one that wasn't interested in me.
I think it laughable that a woman or a man who are searching for a mate is going to want to play any games in wondering if someone wants to be with you or not. If you have to guess then you have no clue about dating and need a book to tell you. With women or men interest is built on many factors which is different for all. If you want someone to be interested in you first need to know something very basic like are you attractive to them physically and mentally? If not you have no chance and should move on to someone who is. Generally it comes down to basic animal instincts if you are in touch with them you know right away if a man or a women is attracted to you by body language and facial expressions when you are in close proximity of them. But what happens after you open your mouth is where you fly or crash. In general what do we know? Most people are attracted to good looking, thin, intelligent, vibrant people. This is due to what we are brainwashed with from the cradle on by the media as what we should want and is ingrained into use just like a religion. That view has changed over the century’s but one thing is constant you still have to have a very good understanding of yourself and what about you others find attractive about you. If you don’t know that about yourself you are fishing without a pole.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI think it laughable that a woman or a man who are searching for a mate is going to want to play any games in wondering if someone wants to be with you or not. If you have to guess then you have no clue about dating and need a book to tell you. With women or men interest is built on many factors which is different for all. If you want someone to be interested in you first need to know something very basic like are you attractive to them physically and mentally? If not you have no chance and should move on to someone who is. Generally it comes down to basic animal instincts if you are in touch with them you know right away if a man or a women is attracted to you by body language and facial expressions when you are in close proximity of them. But what happens after you open your mouth is where you fly or crash. In general what do we know? Most people are attracted to good looking, thin, intelligent, vibrant people. This is due to what we are brainwashed with from the cradle on by the media as what we should want and is ingrained into use just like a religion. That view has changed over the century’s but one thing is constant you still have to have a very good understanding of yourself and what about you others find attractive about you. If you don’t know that about yourself you are fishing without a pole.
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