Women are much choosier than men when it comes to romance. This is well known, but the reason for this gender difference is unclear. Evolutionary psychologists think it is because back in prehistoric times “dating” was much riskier for women. Men who made an ill-advised choice in the ancient version of a singles bar simply had one lousy night. Women who chose unwisely could end up facing years of motherhood without the critical help that a stable partner would have provided.
That is less true today, yet women remain much more selective. Is this difference a vestige of our early ancestry? Or might it be totally unrelated to reproductive risk, the result of something more modern and mundane? A couple of Northwestern University psychologists, Eli J. Finkel and Paul W. Eastwick, decided to explore this question in an unusual laboratory: a real-life speed-dating event.
People in Motion
For the uninitiated, speed dating is an increasingly popular way for men and women to meet and find potential partners. Participants attend a sponsored event and go on a series of very brief “dates,” about four minutes each. Typically the women sit scattered around a room, and the men make the rounds. Afterward, both men and women indicate to the sponsor if they would be interested in seeing any of the others again. If two “yeses” match up, they get phone numbers and that’s it. They’re on their own.
Men say “yes” a lot more than women. That is expected, but Finkel and Eastwick had a novel theory about why. Perhaps it could be explained by the simple convention of men standing and approaching—and women sitting passively. There has been a lot of recent work on the mutual influence of body and mind—how we embody our thoughts and emotions. For example, body movements can subconsciously influence people’s attitudes toward another race. In a 2007 study at York University in Canada psychologists found that nonblack participants who were trained to pull a joystick toward them when they saw a picture of a black person subsequently had fewer implicit (subconscious) biases against blacks than people who were trained to push the joystick away or to the left or right. Pulling the joystick was similar, in a psychological sense, to approaching the individuals in the pictures—and when people approach someone, their feelings about that person tend to warm.
Finkel and Eastwick speculated that in speed dating, physically approaching someone might be enough to make the potential date more appealing romantically—and thus, because men usually approach women in such events, to make the men less choosy overall.
They tested this hypothesis in a series of 15 heterosexual speed-dating events, involving 350 young men and women. Each participant went on about 12 dates, but the researchers changed the rules: in seven of the events, the women approached the men, so overall both genders approached each other about equally. After each date, the participants rated their partners for romantic desirability and romantic chemistry. They also rated their own sense of self-confidence on the date. After all the brief dates were over, they decided thumbs up or thumbs down for each candidate.
Hello, I Love You
The results were a score. As reported in the October 2009 issue of Psychological Science, the well-known gender difference vanished when men and women assumed more egalitarian roles—when women made the rounds and men sat, both sexes were equally choosy. This finding is not a complete reversal of the old rule, however; the seated men were not choosier than the traveling women, the way seated women are choosier than men in the traditional speed-dating setup. This suggests that the ancient tendencies still exist but may be less influential than previously thought, because they are also reinforced by arbitrary social norms such as the convention that men usually approach women when there is potential for romance.
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Add CommentFat men probably would only be able to get their hands on fat women (regardless of how wealthy they were). Like the saying goes, marriage for many is about convinience/lust, not romance.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisA Woman alwys thinks: Would he be a good father for my children?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIs he gentle with me.
Would he support me against all odds?
Many men think: How fast can I get her to agree to what I want and, I do not want to take responsibility for anything.
Wait, what about selection bias? Men who approach women are more likely to say yes, women who are passively approached are more likely to say no. Shocking! And when the women pre-select their dates, they say yes more frequently. Amazing!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI'm sorry, but unless the article is grossly misrepresenting the study, the method is deeply flawed. How about having subjects pre-rate each other, then see how their post-date ratings change based on if they approach or are approached?
The study is interesting but not surprising. What we normally overlook is that the natural behavior gets modified by the imposed culture. Naturally women are more sex-starved than men (we can prove it, but leaving it for the moment. Those interested can write to mbasudeba@gmail.com). However, because of their physical built, indiscreminate desire can lead them to unbearable suffering. Hence they develop the instinct to be choosy. In different cultures, they are groomed to avoid men other than their husbands. This is reflected in their behavior.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWhen a woman approaches a man for speed dating, the thought uppermost in her mind is sex and not love, pregnancy or long term relationship, which is left to be decided later. The woman on a date is usually ready for love-making and is prepared with ways to avoid pregnancy. Long term relationships can grow only if the first and few subsequent meetings are favorable. This is exactly the mindset of a man. Hence there is no surprise in the findings.
basudeba
Jeremiah -
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisMy thoughts exactly! This experiment lacks construct validity. Even if the flaws of the study were fixed, it doesn't address the fact that men approach women more in *real life* - if it can't explain this phenomena, then the results are inconclusive at the very best.
It also doesn't explain women's sexual coyness, which happens even in married couples. I find myself wary of studies that seem designed more to fit into the ideology of gender similitude than investigating phenomena already observed in all human populations.
The role of science is to discover what is, not what we wish would be.
I don't agree with the statement that women are generally much choosier than men. What about the popular culture meme of men being reluctant to commit, i.e. holding out for someone beautiful, smart and great in every way, even when it's unrealistic. From the real life examples I see around, all men married someone who is equal to their own attractiveness and abilities. Perhaps it is condoned for men to be more sexually promiscuous, but does it mean they aren't choosy?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this"Construct validity?" Anything to do with psychology lacks validity of any kind.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWe agree with the construction validity part. Changing mind frequently or indecision is a feminine trait just as single minded pursuit is a masculine trait. Even the built of women (as well as negative chare) is like that - they spread out whereas men focus on a point like the positive charge accumulates in the nucleus. Any male with indecision characteristics must have other feminine traits and any woman following single-mindedly must have other masculine traits. When women choose the best partner out of a lot of suiters, they are focussing on one. Since this is a masculine trait, the results are not surprising. The construction of the experimental design is not valid for referral purposes.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisbasudeba.
Dating Rules - Do's
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this1. Do try to look your best and be punctual on dates
2. Do have fun when dating. I know the subject of Mr. or Miss Right is serious but dating is fun too so keep it that way.
3. Do flatter and compliment your date on the way they look and the things they wear. People tend to go to a lot of effort on a date (hopefully) so being told that you are looking good is a nice thing to hear.
4. Be interested and interesting. As the Pet Shop Boys once said, I was never bored because I was never being boring" or something similar. You get my drift.
5. Do tell someone if you are not interested in dating them again. Being lied to and hopes kept alive is an evil and malicious act (yes I mean it that strongly). If you don't want to see someone again then let them know that in the nicest possible way you can.
6. Do date the type of people you like and are attracted to, whatever your friends may say. Approval by your peers doesn't prove a thing.
7. Do stay positive even when dates don't end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way you will meet some nice people too and make some good contacts possibly.
8. Dating is a creative diversion, it requires concentration and energy so when you are dating keep some plans in the forefront of your mind and allow dating to take you to places you always wanted to visit within your own city.
9. Do make dating happen for yourself. People will not come and ring your bell from nowhere. Dating requires positive action so go out there and meet people, as many people as you can. Practice your chat and flirting on shop workers, bar attendants, anywhere and everywhere. Being nice to people is very sexy and great fun.
10. Do surround yourself with positive like minded people who are also dating. Think about the girls from Sex and the City and how they assist each other in dating and matters of romance. Negative friends who don't condone the dating scene or don't understand it will only help lower your own expectations and make you feel negative.
Dating Rules - Don'ts
1. Never call someone more than once a day unless they reply. Desperation and instability are huge turn offs.
2. Don't date the people who you usually find dump you. You may be generally attracted to bastards but that will not get you anywhere except hurt.
More Dating Tips:
http://bit.ly/seduce-men
In the study as I read it, women approached me who were seated (just as men had approached women who were seated). When men are seated, a woman cannot tell their height. Height determines to a large degree whom a woman will date. Try the experiment with the men standing.
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