In Brief
- About half of first marriages fail in the U.S., as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages. We fail in large part because we enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations.
- The fix for our poor performance in romantic relationships: extract a practical technology from scientific research on how people learn to love each other—and then teach individuals how to use it.
- A study of arranged marriages in which love has grown over time hints that commitment, communication, accommodation and vulnerability are key components of a successful relationship. Other research indicates that sharing adventures, secrets, personal space and jokes can also build intimacy and love with your partner.
The best way to get students interested in scientific studies is to give them hands-on experiences that get them excited about the subject matter. In chemistry courses, teachers accomplish that with test tubes and mysterious liquids. In a course I taught recently at the University of California, San Diego, on relationship science, I piqued my students’ interest with exercises on, well, love.
To begin, I invited eight students who did not know each other to come to the front of the auditorium, where I paired them up randomly. I then asked each individual to rate, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much he or she liked, loved, or felt close to his or her partner. Then I asked the couples to look deeply into each other’s eyes in an exercise I call Soul Gazing.
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12 Comments
Add CommentI Strongly disagree that you are teaching a human being how to love ? It's really strange , how can you teach a mother how to love her child ? do you think someone teaches birds animals how to love and care their offsprings and partners ? human has intrisc property to love to care if its not popping up or being maintained their must b other resons suppresing it.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI suppose taking one's time is good advice. I am trying it for once. There are some who just can't love; in them it isn't innate. The purveyor of this article's ideas should at least be given the benefit of the doubt -- for trying to make a good living. Writing about and inventing theories about love is always a good sell especially in tough times. Good luck, all.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this@vini
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisthis article does not explain how to fall in love; it simply shows and explains the critically important factors which determine a functional and steady relationship. for example: communication; this article explains that communication will produce a greater level of intimacy and and a certain boundary of trust in a healthy relationship. without good communication, a relationship will surely fail.
by relying soley on the title of this article, one may lead to that assumption, however it is quite naive.
Great article. The western style "love marriage" is an abject failure for the society and the family. It is primarily based on physical arousal and lasts as long. Wonder how this trend started - some marketing person dreamed up the stuff. The arranged marriage is more rational where compatibility is analyzed by mulitiple third parties with lots of life experiences, hence no wonder they turn out longer lasting.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWhat a mess a failed marriage can create, and if children are involved they are dragged into without a say. The broken relationships support a whole thriving industry called divorce industry which consumes a significant part of any western style economy's GDP. Once the relationship lands in a court, there is no escaping it before paying for the livelihood of a number of attorneys, legal assistants, shrinks etc for a few years. Given the success rates of marriage in the US , wonder why kids are not taught is high school and college how to navigate a relationship and later a divorce court.
Love is like anything else...you break the rules badly enough...you lose.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisLove is NOT sex. Love is the relationship you have with another person.
Most people could (IF THEY CHOOSE TO) have sex with
(JUST ABOUT ANY HEALTHY DECENT LOOKING) person
and have it be great...but that's not love!
doxhadawg,
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisNo one is perfect. Keep looking for someone who is like you! Love is not the same for everyone. We are all different. Take your time...there is someone for every type of love.
The person I love...for 20 years now...I never would have picked, love somehow snuck up on me!
Very few can communicate properly. What the readers of this article hoping for love should keep in mind is that those who study mind,soul and psyche are not the ones to teach us how to "communicate". Psychologist (comprising psychiatrists and psychotherapists) are notoriously inept and have a higher than average divorce rate. Priests of the catholic persuasion as alternative under some argument might be the next choice .. if you are really desperate. Pastors of the Protestant faith I personally have never tried. Now a scientist of the "Mind", there's a hot possibility. But really, who believes that an exhortation to communicate will improve communication for someone who hasn't studied it. Exhortation, words of advice, and such never bring change – seen on a statistical basis. Hungry for advice? Don't take it as you won't be able to implement it.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI find that relationships are failing more because these things are modeled after marriages and marriages were created at a time where woman didn't have a choice but to be wed and submit to their mans will. Granted this is all unproven but any form of critical thinking would provide that slowly our marriages are failing because we are modeling after our parents, who are modeling after their parents but i think we are finding ourselves at a point where we say "why are we doing this?" I guess maybe this is the way i see it. But it makes sense to me. Tell me what you think.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWithout going into the philosophy path and all the romanticism of the new generations, I must say that this so called 'love' (which is no more than a biophysical attraction) is mainly an agreement with someone. If we put it as political agreements between 2 countries and the relationship as a peace treaty, you can easily forecast an unfriendly ending if one of the countries starts violating the clauses. It occurs the same with a relationship, lack of cooperation of one or both parties can lead to divorces or break-ups.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisRules of the societies are basically the wishes of the strongest (group) of the society at that time when such rules are formed. Marriages are one such rules of convenience formed by the strongest group (males???!!) far back in time. Whether needed or not with today's advancements in each genders thought process, marriages are still one of the rule of many societies around the world. Just to comply with and to be part of the society, many register for the marriage game without knowing the complete rules of success. As the article states, commitment, communication, accommodation and vulnerability are the key ingredients of successful marriages. But, the degree of assessment against each gender on the success factor over each of these ingredients varied over time to time. For instance, in many (male dominated) societies in the ancient times, the male partner had complete social acceptance to have open sexual relationships outside the marriage, but a strict NO for women. In a nutshell we can say that the earlier marriages are much favorable for men compare to women and the womens cooperation to keep the marriage together has been brought out in the form of social fear than love. The three sides which could keep the marriage triangle intact are: i) expectations out of marriage (for both genders), ii) males social position and social independence and iii) females social position and social independence. Over centuries, the social position and independence of females improved to exponential levels and the same is reflecting in their improved expectations out of the marriages. Moreover, their fear of social stigma to break and be out of an unfit marriage is fading away drastically. On the other end, the males expectations out of a marriage still draw parallels to that of their ancestors and not ready to take a re-stock of their social stance in comparison with that of the opposite gender. I attribute this as the single major factor for the failure of modern-day marriages. My advise to all the modern gals and guys out there: guys, tame down on the expectations, gals, take slow on the expectations, and both shower lots and lots of that magic sprinkle of love in, on and around the marriage to keep a good balance of the key ingredients and see the flourishing, healthier marriages in and all around you :-) By the way, this is purely my view on heterosexual marriages with my limited knowledge on some limited societies and no intention of hurting anyones or any societys feelings!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI've lived a long time, been married twice, and have studied the subject for a long time. "Falling in love" is a physical phenomena, and it seems that people who 'contract this temporary insanity status' have a lot of fun and can live a lont time within this framework of life. It's a wonderful place to be, but not necessary to have a happy life. Romanticism is a large part of this status. On the other hand, I have also known 'love' which can best be described as an association of 'caring and commitment' to another person, male, female or child (called agape) which provides the support and commitment of a long term relationship. I have also known persons who are totally incapable of love and who live in the 'me, me.me' world enhanced and supported by media advertising who try to equate love sentiments with material things. This group of men and women continually expect to be given things, jewelry and sex, for example, and see the world in material terms. These make poor marriage partners as they become disenchanted with their partners as soon as their 'expectations' are not met. They live in the society where everything is disposable. I have known partners that have life-long relationship built on trust, caring, commitment, honesty and a true regard of respect for their partners (and who do not cheat or lie to each other) and support themselves for each other's betterment in a growth orientiation. One key element of their relationship is humor.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI believe communication is a great factor in relationships but not always the key. I say this because it this because communication has to be on both parts. You can talk all you want but if your partner doesn't acknowledge what it is your telling them then it is a waste of breathe. I communicated my own ears off in my first marriage to no aveil. In my second marriage I still do but I find when I am truly upset and angry that sometimes writing it down helps. This way I don't say something I may regret or have something left out because I was side tracked by anger. Making sure my partner has read it by either being in the room or by asking if they got it and read it. Then have time to think about what's been said and how much you put into writing it and what they have to comment on. I'm not saying it's a solution for everyone just a thought or suggestion for some. Not every relationship can be fixed by anyone's theories because we are not all the same. You just have to remember what you love about your partner and they make you feel daily. Whether it be a touch and how it makes you feel or some soft words they say to when you have some alone time. People have expectations about how their partners are suppose to be or should be and that is where I think alot of relationships go wrong. We should expect them to be honest and love us. As we know most people aren't always honest but to what extent is it to breaking up a relationship. The answer isn't the same for everyone because everyone's threshold is different. The pain of love isn't the easiest feeling to have or feel in life but it isn't life without it.
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