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We tend to think of smooth talkers as having the most influence on others. Although the gift of gab is indeed important, being a good listener provides even more of an advantage, according to new research.
In a study from the June Journal of Research in Personality, former work colleagues rated participants on measures of influence, verbal expression and listening behavior. Results indicate that good listening skills had a stronger effect on the ratings of influence than talking did. The authors suggest that listening helps people obtain information and build trust, both of which can increase influence. “Expressive communication has received the lion's share of attention in leadership work, but receptive behavior matters, too,” says study author Daniel Ames of Columbia University. The research also found that being good at both is better than being better at one or the other.
For those who wish for better listening skills, here are a few ways to do it well: don't zone out or interrupt; be open to alternative points of view; incorporate details that someone said previously into a current conversation. Basically, pay attention.
This article was originally published with the title How to Use Your Ears to Influence People.
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9 Comments
Add CommentWe are a nation of narcissistic or insecure talkers, not listeners, hence the polarization of ideas and reluctance to have dialogues.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIf only I could get certain parties to heed such advice. But, some parties have a strong fear of being wrong, they dare not listen.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisA very sad day, Dave Brubeck has left us. As a musician and a keyboard player myself he and the DBQ had an enormous influence on me.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisBut imagine what the Dave Brubeck Quartet would have sounded like if none of the musicians had LISTENED to one another . . . . listening is the essence of a great jazz group.
Quincybones
Listen to the tape then answer the following questions...will improve our attention.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisListeners may be narcissistic as well, trying to learn from the conversation another way to influence or manipulate the speaker. They may be paying particular attention to what is being said, looking for an opportunity. On the other hand, it could be irrelevant. Perhaps listening or not listening may have no bearing on narcissism at all.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisMost people labelled narcissistic aren't. Despite all of the stupid headlines, there hasn't been an increase in narcissistic behavior. Every generation forgets what idiots they themselves were and complain about "the kids today". All it means is they have altered their own memories to make themselves look good in their own minds.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisMaybe they are listening and you are just wrong. How often do you admit when you are wrong or figure out that direct empirical evidence shows that your deeply held belief is impossible. Sometimes the person complaining that no one listens is right, for example; the treatment of ulcers by antibiotics. Most of the time they are just wrong and the people around them are tired of their incorrect ideas.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisA truer statement I can not think of. Many years ago in treatment for some of my problems, my mom asked what she could do to help me. Every time the therapist started to speak mom interrupted. This happened over and over again. At the end of the session my mom left and I didn't know what had happened, I just didn't understand. The therapist said as a final note "She just didn't want to know what she could do to help you." Although this was a sad commentary about family dysfunction, it was a valuable experience. It taught me to listen even though I may not want to hear what is being relayed to me. Hope this comment is of help to someone.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisTo those closing tips, I'd add "practice listening without thinking ahead to what you're going to say when someone stops talking." Perhaps assume you'll be asking a question, and trust that the "right" question will come to the surface.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI love the point about striking a balance between listening and talking... being a better listener means when you do speak, it will have more meaning and relevance.
Truly listening to someone is one of the greatest gifts you can give that person. On a fundamental human level, most people simply want to be seen and heard. If you can do that for someone (sincerely, without manipulative intent), you'll build trust, respect and influence.