In a review article in 2003, psychologists Joan B. Kelly of Corte Madera, Calif., and Robert E. Emery of the University of Virginia concluded that the relationships of adults whose parents' marriages failed do tend to be somewhat more problematic than those of children from stable homes. For instance, people whose parents split when they were young experience more difficulty forming and sustaining intimate relationships as young adults, greater dissatisfaction with their marriages, a higher divorce rate and poorer relationships with the noncustodial father compared with adults from sustained marriages. On all other measures, differences between the two groups were small.
Bouncing Back
Even though children of divorce generally do well, a number of factors can reduce the problems they might experience. Children fare better if parents can limit conflict associated with the divorce process or minimize the child's exposure to it. Further, children who live in the custody of at least one well-functioning parent do better than those whose primary parent is doing poorly. In the latter situation, the maladjusted parent should seek professional help or consider limiting his or her time with the child. Parents can also support their children during this difficult time by talking to them clearly about the divorce and its implications and answering their questions fully.
Other, more general facets of good parenting can also buffer against divorce-related difficulties in children. Parents should provide warmth and emotional support, and they should closely monitor their children's activities. They should also deliver discipline that is neither overly permissive nor overly strict. Other factors contributing to children's adjustment include postdivorce economic stability and social support from peers and other adults, such as teachers.
In addition, certain characteristics of the child can influence his or her resilience. Children with an easygoing temperament tend to fare better. Coping styles also make a difference. For example, children who are good problem solvers and who seek social support are more resilient than those who rely on distraction and avoidance.
The good news is that although divorce is hard and often extremely painful for children, long-term harm is not inevitable. Most children bounce back and get through this difficult situation with few if any battle scars.
This article was originally published with the title Is Divorce Bad for Children?.
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17 Comments
Add CommentDid I miss the part where the kid was placed solely with the dysfunctional parent who was ultimately responsible for the failure? My ex is exactly like her mom, I stayed and put up with the BS to try to break the cycle have a normal kid.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisYou are arguing that a 15% increase in problems as an adult is either not that big of a concern or may be related to other factors. If you were reviewing a drug, and the side effects included increased heart problems in 15% more customers than the regular public, you would have a hard time convincing people that it wasn't significant. The author is justifying a bias, not using the same rigor we would use with any other study.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisrfairbanks is quite correct but I would go further. Understanding that this is a political piece would make one wonder about the validity even of the 15% figure. Also I saw no mention of the age of the children involved. A divorce is going to obviously have different effects on a two years than a six year old or a twelve year old. The effects on one of those age groups might be far worse than the average and make an overall figure close to meaningless.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe vast preponderance of actual violent crime and substance abuse proceeds from single-parent homes and fatherless children more than any other factor far surpassing race and poverty. The explosion of single parenthood is usually and resignedly blamed on paternal abandonment with the only remedy being ever-more draconian but ineffective child support "crackdowns." Yet no evidence indicates that the proliferation of single-parent homes results from absconding fathers. If we accept that single motherhood is precisely what feminists say it is-the deliberate choice of their sexual revolution-it is then apparent that sexual liberation lies behind not only these newfangled sexual crimes,but also the larger trend of actual crime and incarceration. Feminism is driving both the criminalization of the innocent and the criminality of the guilty. (Baskerville-Gulag)
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWe will continue to fight a losing battle against crime, incarceration, and expansive government power until we confront the sexual ideology that is driving not only family breakdown and the ensuing social anomie but the criminalization of the male population. Ever-more-repressive measures will only further erode freedom. Under a leftist regime, conservatives must rethink their approach to crime and punishment and their unwitting collusion with America's homegrown Stalinists. (Baskerville-Feminist Gulag).
So, Archimedes, it's the fault of women, that's what you're saying? Amazes me how easy it is for some people to justify misogyny.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWell clearly, divorce is not good for children.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI hate these kinds of correlation studies, where the kids of divorced parents are compared with the kids of parents who stayed together, and any differences found are taken to be effects of the divorce. There are simply no controls, making the data basically worthless.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe first point is uncontroversial: We've never compared the outcomes of children of almost-stayed-together parents to children of "almost-divorced but stayed together with gritted teeth for the sake of the children" parents. That would be the relevant comparison for anyone who is interested in isolating the DIVORCE variable from the countless other variables.
The second point is more controversial but shouldn't be ignored outright. Parents who can't make their marriage work might just be different sorts of people from ones who can, in terms of temperament and other qualities. These qualities might have heritable components. So it might be these heritable components that are the common cause behind the breakup of marriages and the lack of success of the resulting children.
Divorce is very hard on children, but living in a household filled with rage and violence is far worse. It is never a favor to children to stay in a really bad marriage.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisRe: "Divorce affects most children in the short run, but research suggests that kids recover rapidly after the initial blow. In a 2002 study psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia and her then graduate student Anne Mitchell Elmore found that many children experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief. These reactions typically diminish or disappear by the end of the second year. Only a minority of kids suffer longer."
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThat has not been my limited, non-professional experience. For example, a 30-year-old woman traumatized by her parents' divorce, a 102-year-old woman still in trauma over the separation of her parents when she was 12 and numerous young people of my personal acquaintance. It's obviously a comforting report for those who wish to engage in divorce. If a married couple promise, "...until death do us part..." what "vow" is exchanged by those who remarry after divorce?
Divorce rates seem to be declining, but I wonder if that's because more people are living together rather than getting married. I suspect data from any study would depend on when the parents got divorced. Growing up in the 50's, a divorce probably would have been far more traumatic to a child than in the 80's, when more of their peers were experiencing the same thing. Social values and mores need to be considered.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThere are so many variables.
This does not talk about money. Once a house is split the costs go up substantially because now two households have to function on the same amount of money. I am sorry, but if you have children and you divorce you have failed as a parent. Also, it is not like we need the people.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisDivorce is better for the children than them living with disgruntled fighting parents or with absolutely unhappy couple . Children will do far better if they live with a partially happy parent than with fully unhappy couple .Children need calm and stable home , in fact, with or without any parent also. Children who were brought up by single mothers or lovingly and caringly by grand parents have done pretty well in life . Some of them have become even presidents of America or headed Nations and done exemplarily well too. So long as strife is avoided in the environments of children , they will grow well . Children , on act don't care about who their parents are , if left on their own . They seek safety and shelter primarily and, if a good education can be given to them ,nothing like it .keep children moderately disciplined , inculcate a sense of social responsibility , give them opportunities to develop their limbs and intellect , don't abuse them , give them love and care ( that's what makes children happy to be with society and give them self- confidence and self- esteem . Give them chancebto grow to their potential and that's all that's needed . Read the 1923 published poem " Children " by the Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran, who lived in Boston ,( USA) .link :
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thishttp://www.poemhunter.com/poem/children-chapter-iv/
Looking at my parents, I am beyond relieved that my parents divorced when I was four: I can't imagine growing up in a household filled with bitterness, recrimination, and outright hate! My brother, four years older than I am, has had a series of relationships and cheated in most of them, and has been married and divorced; I've been happily married for 15 years. This may be because he had the example of my parents as what a relationship was for that extra few years, or it may be his personality (quite different than mine) that drives him, I don't know; but I DO know I'm glad my parents divorced!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisBizarrely, the British Columbian government has decided that couples living together for two years are now married, whether they declared it themselves or not. It will be interesting to see what happens to marriage/divorce statistics over the next decade, if anything.
Every day in America three women are killed by the men they love and some of them have children and many ask, why didn't she leave him?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThough thus far we haven't seen any numbers about how many children were killed by the fathers/husbands who were determined to keep the family together or kill them and himself.
So before we start dishing up the issues about the detrimental effects of divorce maybe we should think about how many lives may be saved for the brave who chose to live life in peace and in an environment where physical violence isn't a issue.
It's easy to be brave from a distance and so distant some have opinions about issues to which they focus on the so-called broader scale, but not the one that really matters. Life matters and no one should have to live where violence is an issue let alone become part of statistics that have overlooked domestic violence in the process.
Yet in the wake of divorce and two-parent separate households, it's true, life is challenging and children do suffer to some degree and more-so when they lose the other side of their extended families they once had as grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins no longer play a role in their lives; thus it's love by decree and absence of it when decree no longer dictates they must love.
Overall, it's a complex issue but without support of friends, family and community the cycle of violence will continue leaving more than a broken marriage in it's wake.
Two Disney factory movies that touch the subject: "Bambi"-Separation anxiety, and: "The parent trap", this last featuring Hayley Mills.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisMost problems of raising kids, and everyone getting along, would be greatly reduced if one-to-one hetero marriages were'nt the only approved option. Considering the variety of personalities we recognise today, can we expect most people to fit well into one mold? My ideal would be a minimum of seven adults, including both genders, in a family, enough that one leaving or joining wouldn't overly disrupt the rest. An odd number makes it less likely that some will choose the more conventional couples mode.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisAwesome comment. I totally agree with you.
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