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On Valentine's Day, images of couples are everywhere. They're buying each other diamond rings, making eyes over expensive restaurant meals and canoodling over chocolate-covered strawberries and champagne. But two-by-two isn't the only way to go through life. In fact, an estimated 4 to 5 percent of Americans are looking outside their relationship for love and sex — with their partner's full permission.
These consensually nonmonogamous relationships, as they're called, don't conform to the cultural norm of a handholding couple in love for life. They come in a dizzying array of forms, from occasional "swinging" and open relationships to long-term commitments among multiple people. Now, social scientists embarking on brand-new research into these types of relationships are finding that they may challenge the ways we think of jealousy, commitment and love. They may even change monogamy for the better.
"People in these relationships really communicate. They communicate to death," said Bjarne Holmes, a psychologist at Champlain College in Vermont. All of that negotiation may hold a lesson for the monogamously inclined, Holmes told LiveScience.
"They are potentially doing quite a lot of things that could turn out to be things that if people who are practicing monogamy did more of, their relationships would actually be better off," Holmes said. [6 Scientific Tips for a Successful Marriage]
Examining nonmonogamy
The study of consensual nonmonogamy is a relatively new field. In the 1970s, partner-swapping and swinging (recreational sex outside of a relationship) came into the public eye, and psychologists conducted a few studies. But that research was limited to mostly white, heterosexual couples who engaged in swinging for fun, according to Elisabeth Sheff, a legal consultant and former Georgia State University professor, writing in 2011 in the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography.
That means little is yet known about who participates in consensual nonmonogamy and why. Research is largely limited to self-report and surveys, in which people can be tempted to present themselves in a positive light. There are, however, some key definitions to understand. Consensual nonmonogamy contains multitudes. It includes sex-only arrangements, such as two committed partners agreeing that they're allowed to seek no-strings-attached sex with other people. It also includes polyamory, which involves multiple committed relationships at once with the consent and knowledge of everyone involved.
Consensual nonmonogamy does not include cheating, in which one partner steps out without the permission of the other.
While there are no national statistics on consensual nonmonogamy, University of Michigan psychologist Terri Conley has estimated that about 5 percent of Americans are in one of these types of relationships at any given time. From the little data collected, scientists know lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals are slightly more likely than heterosexuals to enter nonmonogamous relationships, said Amy Moors, a graduate student in Conley's lab. So, it seems, are people high in the personality trait of openness, which indicates high interest in new experiences.
So far, studies suggest that polyamorous individuals are well-educated, holding more master's and doctoral degrees than the general population, said Champlain's Holmes, who is conducting ongoing research of an online sample of more than 5,000 polyamorous individuals. Despite their smarts, they're not particularly wealthy. [5 Myths About Polyamory]
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33 Comments
Add Comment"They are potentially doing quite a lot of things that could turn out to be things that if people who are practicing monogamy did more of, their relationships would actually be better off,"
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisSuch a scientific statement. If I said that women would be better off if they committed to one man instead of sleeping with twenty, it would be considered "hate speech."
Did you read the article? They are simply saying that the studies are showing that polyamorous relationships are doing things (like communication, dealing with jealousy, etc) that are good practices for monogamous relationships. Openess, communication, you know... good relationship stuff!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThey are not saying you and our wife should go out and start banging every hot stud muffin you see on the street like those dirty polyamorous grossy swinger yucky types probably do.
Yes, read the article again.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWhy must there always be some dumb, ill-informed comment like this at the beginning of every comment list on every article published on the web?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI like what this article has to say. My wife and I are monogamous and have been together for 7 years. However each of us had had previous long-term non-monogamous relationships that taught us a lot. The emphasis on communication and honesty that we learned (or lacked) in our previous relationships has informed and strengthened our current relationship. While we are monogamous, we certainly have no problem with others who choose non-monogamy. Just be prepared to do a lot of scheduling, as time management seems to be one of the biggest headaches in open relationships.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisbecause that's the way they've found works to stimulate responses.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisin case you hadn't noticed, happy good news stories can tend to get zero response.
sad but true - negative events get our attention instantly - good news - meh - I've got other things to do ...
What part of this story strikes you as unhappy, or bad news?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisultimobo is refering to the first negative comment, not the article
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisYes, but your response only applies to negative articles.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisUnder your theory, no one would be stimulated to write comments on a non-negative article.
If we don't like someones opinion, we should consider it for a moment and move on instead of targeting them with more negativity. Reacting negatively to a comment can be no better than a negative comment to begin with!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThis article does not discuss risks and losses associated with polyamorous behavior. It's kinda polyanna-esque.
btw, non-monogamy couples do 'cheat' at times. It's erroneous to believe that non-monogamy and cheating are mutually exclusive. If a person in a non-monogamous relationship wants to 'pursue' a babe to displace their primary partner, do you really think they are going to be honest about it? Really? And as far as safer sex, do you really think that non-monogamous partners don't drink or get high, then have sex with whoever is convenient? Really? I question this narrow perspective on the research. It's kinda dishonest.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisTry "The Ethical Slut" for some insight into how poly ethics broadens the communication and enhances the intimacy of participants. The same thing can happen in mono relationships if people really talk to each other.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI'll ponder the depth of this article as I walk into the biker bar.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI favor aiming for "universal" love or maybe "community-based" love, without jealousy, including bisexuality, where all are free to do whatever doesn't do greater harm to others. In the other meaning of "intercourse", would you want to live talking to only one other person for the rest of your life? Spread of diseases? My father almost died of TB that he got from his first wife, who knew she had it and didn't tell. Where's the difference? In either case, everyone should know about what they could catch from others.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisRead both editions of "The Ethical Slut", then also "Sex at Dawn" (of civilization), about how our sexuality evolved. We need to consider that we evolve, in the most important ways, much faster by cultural memes, which we exchange with everyone, than by genes.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI think a ideal number of adults for a "family" would be at least seven people. This would be enough that one leaving or joining wouldn't overly disrupt the group, and an odd number, so they don't overly interact in the more conventional couples mode.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisAsk most married men (in private) if they want more than one wife or in effect regular access to more than one woman and you will usually be told "no". "One is enough, in fact quite often, more than enough." Men, less so than women, do not want to define their entire lives in terms of relationships.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIts getting tougher to figure out if there is any science behind the propaganda at SA.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisOur society is sick. Sad. I am still a virgin at 51, desperately wanted to get married and have kids as a child, and think I spared innocent victims from being born today. No man would want me anyhow, I haven't slept with or lived with a million other men. I think the people today are pigs, and I am not Todd Akin either.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this"If I said that women would be better off if they committed to one man instead of sleeping with twenty, it would be considered "hate speech.""
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisNaah. It would only be hate speech if you followed it up with calling women who made the choice to have 20 partners names, or suggested that they were worth less as human beings because of it.
Sadly, that does seem to be the route many folks who believe that women should have only one partner do take, all too often.
"like those dirty polyamorous grossy swinger yucky types probably do."
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI hate that the general concincous is that all poly people are also swingers (those are two different groups of people btw) and that we are dirty and gross. I understand that most swingers are. but you would probably be surprised with the poly and open relationship (again 2 different groups) people, you probably know some people who are and just dont know it.
Risks? Losses? Like as in The risks you take when your not open with your partner and they cheat on you? Or the loss of your partner because you cheated on them behind their back because you were not getting your needs met? I see way more risk and loss associated with a monogamous relationship than a non-monogamous one.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisbravenewgirl85 - me too... It was me being cheeky in response to George Smith's close-mindedness.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisSome unproven things on "polyamory"-Brain circuitry may be prepared for a lifetime engagement with the first person you have sex with, if this bond is broken, relationships after tend to focus more and more on fun, and less in building an stable couple. -Autoerotism, some say 95% of men tested it, is sex with no object, equalling to any object, for some, after this, chain will begin in women, then men, and may include strange things as chickens and inkwells, it opens latent or no so latent homosexual discharge, and discharge is different from arousal. -Multiple sex may be a way to have an homosexual relationship without having it, our mind, both in images and in dreams, passes features of an image to another next to it, if John engages in sex with Lona knowing or having watched Lona had sex with Bob, John may be deep in his mind having sex with Bob, desiring it or not, subconsciously originated or subconsciously entered after(Projection-Introjection). -Once you've had multiple partners, and the WHO definition of a promiscuous person is anybody having had four or more different sexual partners in his/her lifetime, sex becomes an sport, and having more partners increases your self-steem, as it may be felt as a proof of quality, the process is bidirectional, if you lack enough self-steem, you may engage in more sex to fill the empty. -Sex is a highly autocrine process, the more you have, the more you want, and it can become unsatiable. -Some that engage in promiscuous sex don't like the sex thei're having sex with, they look for other kind of activity, but ignore this, as brain circuitry is tuned for a certain type of sexual activity, if you engage in other ways may be because you're never really satisfied, some become womanizers as they like no woman at all, and continue searching for the one they'll never find. -A bullfighter, "El Gallo", said: "There are people for everything"
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIn reply to jgrosay:
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIn your first line "may" - everything after that is conjecture. Do you have any neurobiology (anatomy and/or physiology)literature references for hard-wiring of the human brain for monogamous relationship or is it just a convenient construct for you prejudice.
This is a piece of fluff, with a misleading headline, that Scientific American should be ashamed of publishing. Try to find any reference to data that supports this statement earlier in the aricle:
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this"...social scientists embarking on brand-new research into these types of relationships are finding that they may challenge the ways we think of jealousy, commitment and love. They may even change monogamy for the better."
You'll find one unsupported opinion that polyamorous couples communicate a lot.
"While there are no national statistics on consensual nonmonogamy, University of Michigan psychologist Terri Conley has estimated that about 5 percent of Americans are in one of these types of relationships at any given time." Oh, great, first admit that there's no data, then publish someone's unsubstantiated estimate of the data.
I've been reading SciAm with interest and enjoyment for many years. They should be ashamed of this junk article.
@pgoetz. Do you often speak to yourself?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisDifferent strokes for different folks. You can't extrapolate from these studies to the whole population.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisHonestly, both the 'happy good news' and the 'sad/bad news' articles do NOT get my attention. 99% of the time the bad news ones are some of the stupidest pap out there. Of course, so are the happy ones.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI simply prefer INTELLIGENT articles. This one counts. And good to see, though I find the 'consensual non-monogomy' term the use over and over idiotic.
Love lives in freedom.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIt started with Kinsey : people who carry out "studies" like these have an axe to grind.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe people they study, as others have pointed out, are not (and cannot be) a representative group.
And the study must rely to a large extent on self-reporting by this group. And they have, consciously or unconsciously (often more of the former than you'd imagine) a self-justificatory bias.
To everyone their agenda.
I'm fairly well-versed in knowledge about polyamory, I know why people do it, I know that many of the presumptions about it aren't true, and if it works for you, fine.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe ONLY reason I can't stand polyamory is because it's hard enough to find one person in this world. If you're polyamorous, you're making it harder. This isn't me saying "omg so lonely", as I've had plenty of relationships, but when I meet another guy who has three girlfriends within a very small community, my first instinct is to look at all the great single monogamous guys who have trouble meeting women. I'm sure it's nice to have more than one partner as long as there's no drama between them, but nobody NEEDS to have more than one. You think it's spreading the love, I say it's greedy.
I'm curious why you think men with multiple girlfriends are taking girlfriends away from other people. Do you think such women are seeing the men they date men as interchangeable? How about the men?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisJust as most monogamous folks don't date/fuck/love just anyone of the appropriate gender who wanders by, people in poly relationships tend to share very specific interests and attractions with the people they choose to become involved with. Maybe none of those three girlfriends *liked* anyone else enough to date them.
There is also the fact that some people don't want to default to monogamous relationships. I have met many folks that can live live happily as either poly or mono (depending on how situations work out for them)- but someone who *only* wants to be poly is going to look for partners who also have that expectation. Maybe some of those three women are interested in you, but not at the expense of the relationship style they prefer.
And lastly, if you are having trouble finding a partner, that is neither the fault nor the responsibility of anyone but yourself. Perhaps you need to work towards meeting more new people, or you need to work on your ability to communicate clearly with folks when you meet them. Possibly you even have some personal traits or behaviours that are widely found to be unattractive- the point is that doing the work to find a partner is on *you*.
The world doesn't owe you anything, and neither does poly man or any of his three girlfriends.