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In Brief
- Occasional tantrums are normal for children during the first three years of life, as increasing independence collides with emotional and verbal immaturity.
- Frequent rage attacks, together with unusually aggressive or self-destructive behavior, however, may augur more serious behavior issues, including a propensity toward violence.
- Genetic factors play a role in overly aggressive behavior in toddlers as do language delays, smoking during pregnancy, socioeconomic factors and certain parenting styles. Countering such contributors may help curtail the number of youths who become chronically violent.
Three-year-old Merle throws a tantrum in the supermarket whenever her mother refuses to buy something she wants. Little Anna screams wildly when her mother interrupts her playing to put on a jacket so the family can go out. Ben, an adorable towhead, barely two, bites into furniture and toys as soon as anyone drops the word “no.”
Merle, Anna and Ben are in the tantrum phase—sometimes referred to as “the terrible twos”—and they dispense frustration and anger to everyone around them. (All of the names of the children mentioned in this article have been changed to protect their privacy.) Reasoning is useless; threats and punishment fail to stem the bawling, agitation and aggression. And then, just as suddenly as it begins, it is over: the child is cuddling up to Mommy or Daddy for comfort. Small wonder that so many parents feel powerless to control these mini crises.
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14 Comments
Add CommentI know all of this advice sounds good, and you might think that it should work, but it DOENS'T. You CANNOT REASON WITH AN IMMATURE MIND. I do agree that the "tricking" manoeuvre works, though.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisSorry, "DOESN'T"
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWhen my son was in this phase I simple picked him up and carried him outside. 9 months in Alaska out of the 12; this had such a dramatic effect he would stop his fit immediately. I would only be outside for a moment, and usually barefoot myself. Just the right amount of time to get his attention. That drastic SNAP of the world seemed to work, and with no disciplinary action and we would return to normal life.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisany data on the influence of having grandparents and/or other elders around a growing kid?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisA welcome approach to a universal bit of behavior of infants (and some older children).
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe REAL "problem" here is how the parent responds to the so called "problem". Remember that most parents will respond in the same manner that their own parents used with them when they displayed the same "problem. Usually this leads to the statement "That is how my parents raised me and I didn't turn out so bad.". A good rationalization but has little to do with our wishes that our children have a better life than we did.
Consider that it is not a "problem" or abnormal behavior but is a, as noted, a growth step in the "socialization" proces.
My prediction is that better parental responses to this behavior could reduce the child's development of some depression problems in the future.
Hey, Sarah's parents, have you ever considered the possibility that maybe your child is having emotional problems because you abandon her for 10 hours every weekday at a commercial orphanage and she doesn't know which set of adults are her real parents?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI do not think it is appropriate to accuse parents who have to use daycare centers of abandonment . Most parents would prefer to have someone at home with their children, but often this is not financially feasible. Also, children adjust to social situations with other children far better the earlier they start socializing with their peers.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thistmhcihina, you are incorrect. An enormous amount of research has shown that daycare kids are more aggressive as they grow up than are parent raised children. Parent raised children also tend to have just as much socialization if they grow up in areas where there are other children of similar age that they are allowed to play with regularly.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisYou are also incorrect in your assessment that both parents must work. It is remarkably inexpensive to live a simple lifestyle. The problem comes in when people want the typical high tech extravegant lifestyle most people in the USA want. This obviously does not apply to the single parent households but that is a totally different issue.
BioMedGirl, You can't reason with a toddler but you can deal with them in ways that are more effective. You can reason with older children quite easily too. My completely unfounded guess is that you are expecting immediate results and not a more realistic change that happens over time, sometimes taking years to occur.
I have a 3 year old grandson, he is aggressive to the point of throwing thing at you, hitting, spitting, and screaming non stop for hours. I also have 4 granddaughters who don"t want to play with him. They are afraid of him. We tried time out, putting him in his room, tried reasoning with him we are getting no where.His mom seems to be afraid of him, she has recently had a baby, he throws toys at the baby tring to hit her. She has spend more time with him since the new baby, but, it is just getting worse. ANY one can you please help? He is destroying my house, peeping on the carpet, pooping in the corners, ripping the blinds down, puttin holes in the walls w/ toys. WHAt can we do HELP? GerriC40@YAhoo.com
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWe had a situation, regarding hitting, and my then 2 year old daughter refused to listen to us and would have terrible tantrums.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisOur problem was resolved, thankfully! My best friend, who's hubby is a Doctor, recommended this program... http://tiny.cc/parentingpotential This program was a small miracle for us and now I finally understand why my best friend, who is also a parent of two twin toddlers girls and a one year old boy, is always so laid back and in control, while I was ready to pull my hair out, lol! You should definitely check it out. A must have for parents. Good luck with everything :)
hey there, abandonment means leaving a child in a diaper for 2 days straight because mom's too busy picking up her crack. Abandonment is not feeding your child because drugs/alcohol come first. Having to resort to daycare (to the parents dismay) because they work all hours of the day is called making ends meet i.e. doing the best they can with the situation they've been given. So before you fart off the word abandonment, just know what it means sweetpea.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisHey frgough have you considered that children raised at home are essentially raised by the tv in most families? And TV is a far more active teacher of agressive behaviors then daycare supervised children interaction.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisBesides, I don't know what simple lifestyle you're living, but my kids go to a great montessori daycare that has so many activities, that no simple mom at home could achieve. They do ballet, imaginative play, clay-pottery, swim, sing and play piano at their daycare.
Hey frgough have you considered that children raised at home are essentially raised by the tv in most families? And TV is a far more active teacher of agressive behaviors then daycare supervised children interaction.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisBesides, I don't know what simple lifestyle you're living, but my kids go to a great montessori daycare that has so many activities, that no simple mom at home could achieve. They do ballet, imaginative play, clay-pottery, swim, sing and play piano at their daycare.
A contrarian view and difficult to prove - but gives hope to many parents with toddler tantrums out there. Thank you.
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