Sure, the soccer uniforms, piano lessons and college tuition add up—but there is nothing like being a parent. Or so we tell ourselves, according to a study in the February issue of Psychological Science. When parents are faced with the financial costs of a child, they justify their investment by playing up parenthood’s emotional payoffs.
Psychologists at the University of Waterloo in Ontario gave parents in the study a government report estimating that bringing up a child to age 18 costs more than $190,000. Then half the parents read an additional report about the financial help grown children pro-vide their parents. Those who read only about the high price tag were more likely to agree with statements idealizing the emotional benefits of parenthood, such as “There is nothing more rewarding in this life than raising a child.”
Such rationalization is a common response to cognitive dissonance, the state of having two conflicting ideas in mind, according to psychological theory. In this scenario, the choice the parents made to have children conflicts with the fact that kids are such a financial burden, so the parents conclude that the emotional benefits
must be so great they outweigh the material cost.
The authors of the study point out that this mind-set makes sense in light of history. Until recently, children were not so expensive—and often they were of great economic value, helping out on the farm or bringing home a paycheck. In those eras, childhood was less sentimentalized and the emotional bond between kids and parents was not as strong. As raising kids became more costly, we began to idealize parenting.
This rosy outlook may have real benefits, however, according to another result of the study. Moms and dads presented with only the costs of child-rearing said they enjoyed the time they spent with their offspring more than parents who also read about the benefits—and these idealizers planned to spend more hours with them in the future. “Parents rationalize the cost of children by convincing themselves it’s such an enjoyable thing to do, which then convinces them to spend more time with their kids,” says University of Waterloo psychologist Richard Eibach, co-author of the study. Having your own kids may be expensive, but every minute is worth it.
This article was originally published with the title The Myth of Joyful Parenthood.
See what we're tweeting about
15 Comments
Add CommentI don't have access to the full article, but did the study take into consideration that parents presented with only financial information felt pressured to defend their position, whereas the parents given all of the information felt a defense was already given so they were less inclined to defend parenting themselves? And, for the record, regardless of cost or projected "benefits", there really is nothing as awesome as being a parent.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisHere is my further research: The Myth of Joyful Life - Sure, life seems fun, but in a study, participants were asked if they had trouble and disappointments in their life, 38% of living people answered in the affirmative, while 0% of deceased people answered in the positive. It seems, being dead is better then being alive.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisHaving and raising children is both a joy and at times very difficult and expensive. Expensive even without college, and in New York City, private school. Of course most people love their children, unconditionally. Most of the time.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWhen your child is sick you suffer with and for them. When the slings and arrows of life for heavily on our children--they fall heavily on us as well.
And when the child is joyful--the parents experience that joy as well.
And our children grow up all too soon. And they leave the nest for lives of their own. Lives that hopefully we can share with them. And sometimes they return to the nest--a return that parents greet with joy and not so much joy.
And sometimes they leave us--with little or not contact. "Sharper than a serfent's tooth is to have a thankless child." And that is the saddest thing of all.
Do our children owe us something? Anyting? At least they owe us contact--to be an ongoing part of their lives. And saddly--that is not always the case.
Different ages have different joy levels! Sorry to sound harsh- but the first year is not that pleasant- after that they do become definately worth it.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIf I had it all to do over again I'd ask my wife to give birth to toddlers.
I wonder if similar mechanisms explain why people love their iPhones...
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe rewards for a parent are much greater if your child turns out to be self-sufficient, satisfied with their life and loving. Therefore it more important than ever that parents acquire knowledge and skills that will help them nurture their child's development.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisUnfortunately it seems too many parents become obsessive and over-controlling which creates problems for the child in later years. An relevant article in July/August issue of Atlantic Magazine theatlantic.com about "How the cult of self-esteem is ruining our kids" is highly recommended.
Many of the so-called 'costs' of raising a child are optional. My wife and I raised 2 children to be successful professionals on far less than the studies at that time said it cost.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisa note...the study is 'Canadian' and not American. Much of the 'costs' in Canada are covered by social programs such as universal health care, maternity benefits, child leave, child cash credits, subsidized tuitions, etc.
Another example of absurd social 'science'. So comparing answers after reading two cost analyses makes sense as a reliable indicator of how parents feel about raising children? This is ridiculous on its face. And by the way, my survey of one indicates that being a parent is truly wonderful - as someone once put it, it's like going from living in black and white to living in color.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisFinancial help children provide their parents? These days, very little. We rely on the gummint, and we're not a better nation for it.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to this<In those eras, childhood was less sentimentalized and the emotional bond between kids and parents was not as strong.>
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisBaloney. Until recently, three (and if you were lucky, four)generations under one roof was the norm. In a culture of grinding poverty, a parent's greatest joy was to have his son master the alphabet and begin to study the sacred texts. All children were unplanned, few were unwanted and almost none were unloved and uncared for. Old folks weren't warehoused. They lived and died surrounded by children and grandchildren. They were mourned a full year, because that's how long it took for the grief to resolve itself. These days, geographical separation occurs long before our parents leave this earth, and if dementia turned them into empty shells we have long since done our mourning when the end finally comes.
Why does Valerie Ross believe that raising a child is not worth a $190,000 investments spread over 18 years? Would she question a $190,000 investment spread over 15 years in the form of a 15-year mortgage on a house? Why does she assume that parents do not experience joy in raising their families to a degree that rational people could confidently say that the cost is well worth it to them? Perhaps Ms. Ross needs to do some thinking about her own values. There is more to life than money, and family is certainly one of the most important areas of life.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisYou are correct as far as you go. When multi-generation housing was the norm we also had very high child mortality rates. It is challenging to get emotionally attached to a child that you know is very likely to die.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisMaybe the next study should be - why does anything to do with parenting get everybody so hot under the collar?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThis article further shows that parents put themselves into the analysis regarding how they act and feel about raising a child. Being a successful parent is the easiest thing I've ever done because I only consider what is best for the child. I don't matter. When you are not full of yourself, parental decisions are always easy to make.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisA successful recipe? I waited till I was 37 years old and could afford it. College is already financed. Her first house is already bought. I retired at 44 and can focus all my energy on doing things right. This all started when I was 16 and left high school for college and got 5 degrees by the time I was 24.
Some people prepare and some don't. Most foll themselves into thinking they are good parents.
If an investment is risky then you would diversify the risk. If chances of a child surviving until child rearing ages are low, then you will tend to have more children and invest a small amount on each.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisAs medical care improved over the 20th century, the life expectancy has increased decreasing the risks of a child dying of an illness (making rearing a child less risky). When the risks involved in an investment decreases (while returns stay the same) you will diversify less - invest more in each of fewer instrument.
In parenting terms, have fewer children but invest more in each child.
The returns, on the other hand, might be financial (kids taking care of themselves and their parents thus an insurance) as well as hard-wired to our brains (since its our DNA that will pass on to future generations).
For more on the subject, just Google CAPM.