Sonja Lyubomirsky
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The Wisdom of Psychopaths
In this engrossing journey into the lives of psychopaths and their infamously crafty behaviors, the renowned psychologist Kevin Dutton reveals that there is a...
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I met my husband, Peter, rather randomly, at all-the-Absolut-you-could-drink benefit for the Museum of Contemporary Art. We have often observed that had we not met that night, there is no particular reason to think we would have ever chanced on each other in the future, as we did not inhabit the same professional or social spheres. From time to time, I contemplate the fantastic possibility that had one of us ventured several footsteps to the right or the left that evening, my husband, my children and my home might be subtracted from the life I lead today. Counterintuitively, this counterfactual exercise in considering how much worse off I could be today brings me not distress, but pleasure. Then again, a series of elegant studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggest that my experience is not so counterintuitive after all.
The researchers show that people prompted to write about how a positive event may not have happened experience a greater uptick in mood than those prompted to describe the positive event. In their most persuasive study, individuals in committed relationships wrote for 15 to 20 minutes about how they might never have met and connected with their partners. Others wrote instead about the reverse – that is, how they did meet, start dating, and end up with their partners. Several control conditions, which involved writing about one’s typical day or about one’s friendships, were included as well. The biggest increase in satisfaction with the relationship occurred not in the group that pondered the sunny beginnings of their union but in the “mental subtraction” (or “How I might never have met Peter”) group.
Why does “subtracting” a love, a triumph, or a dash of good fortune from our lives give us a bigger boost than simply savoring their reality? According to University of Virginia social psychologist MinkyungKoo and colleagues, the key mechanism is that thinking about how an event might never have come to pass renders it more mysterious and more surprising. Prior research has shown that surprise – and its cousins novelty, unexpectedness, variety, uncertainty, and unpredictability – is associated with more intense and more durable emotional reactions. In our own laboratories, Ken Sheldon and I have been testing the notion that surprise and variety can slow the rate at which people adapt to such life changes as buying a new condo or hybrid, marrying Mr. Right, or earning a coveted promotion. Any event or activity that yields novel and frequently surprising experiences and opportunities is likely to capture our attention and trigger frequent memories and thoughts about it. Surprises entice our attention and compel us to explain them, thereby maintaining the freshness, meaning, and pleasure of an experience. The intriguing hypothesis offered by Koo and her coauthors is that people can take active steps to elevate their moods by deliberately thinking about how an event is surprising.
An interesting twist is that people appear to be largely ignorant of this phenomenon. In the same paper, the researchers describe a separate set of individuals who were simply asked to imagine reflecting on how they met or might never have met their partners. These forecasters predicted that dwelling on how their relationship might not have been would dampen their spirits.
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20 Comments
Add CommentThis story is incredibly self-indulgent. Is it really a study - or an excuse to write about ones self?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWhat's next, a SciAm study of Tarot, Astrology and Ouija?
This was a fantastic study and the author is a very accomplished scientist. Candide, I suggest you read past the introduction before you begin to type next time.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisCandide, read the article, not just the first paragraph. This is a great study by an accomplished scientist - I doubt she needs people who can't even read the story to slam it, and the publication as a whole.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisHey Candide, I do so hope that SciAm WILL study Tarot, Astrology and Ouija. And to follow up with the theme of the article, you should try imagining your life without them, even if that means just less stuff to look down upon. On another note, to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all... after a divorce I didn't want, I'm still not having success with the subtraction process. Still "stuck" I guess.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisYour comment is not, Candide? After all, you could've kept surfing...
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI'm certain mine is, but at least I can take solace in reflecting on the possibility of never reading yours.
I lived in La Jolla, California for two years, during which time I met Zero people. Think of all the people you pass by on a busy city street, all the people you wind up talking to on a daily basis, all the acquaintances you make. Now imagine nothing but silence and no eye contact for two straight years. I often wondered the inverse of this story. Had my footsteps been a few extra feet to one side, would I have run into the one selfsess and personable La Jollan? Would I have fallen stupid in love, married that person, wound up with a family hungry mouths, and a mortgage, stuck living the rest of my life there? I shudder to think how near I came to self-serving material enslavement. Thankfully, my own mood became pessimistic and prevented me from attempting to be yet more outgoing, & protected me from getting lost down some unknown road of ruin. Hm.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIt was my extreme pleasure to hear Sonja discuss her rigorous scientific research at the MentorCoach Conference in Sedona, AZ, a few months ago. As an acclaimed, yet humble scientist and best-selling author, Sonja has spent her academic life studying ways to help humanity flourish, find meaning, and live a happier existence. If more researchers studied subjective, community, and global happiness, can you imagine the harmonious ripple effect that would ensue? As a positive psychologist and life coach, I am happy. But I'm always in line for ways to become happier, too.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIt's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe British Non-Dualist, Rupert Spira (you can visit his web page) says that happiness is when unhappiness is unveiled. The 'unveiling' is the process of 'subtracting'.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe great Indian sages of ancient times too suggested a process of sublation from the visible existential world through a series of steps of elimination to arrive at the final residuum which cannot be further eliminated. That final residuum is called Brahman, the Ultimate Bliss. And they said "you are That Brahman" , the Eternal Bliss. The key for this process of subtraction is 'neti, neti' (not this, not this) - a process of denial as long as you still sense an objectified percept separated from the subject.
I wonder if Prof. Sonja was pointing in this direction and if she is aware of Advaita.
regards,
I think the questions posed here are interesting unfortunately the chaotic nature of the situation is not quantifiable (to my knowledge) at this point. Interesting situation to speculate on however.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisJim
I think that from a purely speculative point of view that this is a very interesting contribution. One day this situation may be simply formulaic...not now however.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisJim
I think I've experienced something similar. I just earned an undergraduate degree and contrary to what family and friends expected, I was not all that excited about graduation. I bought the cap and gown but returned it on graduation day, weaving through the throng of cap and gown wearers on my way to the bookstore. I used the money to take myself, boyfriend and kids out to a nice lunch. Blowing off graduation for me was more gratifying than going through the ritual. (In hindsight I see that treating my accomplishment as though it never happened by blowing off the ceremony was a good decision because my name was completely wrong on the diploma which would have infuriated me and ruined the event anyhow.)
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI wonder as well not the response we have to a good surprise, but rather the response we have to a bad surprise, something that will affect us in a very distressing way: the death of someone we care about, for example. Coul we apply the 'What if it never happened?'
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thishm.
This thesis sounds credible to me, since I have sometimes reflected with considerable discomfort on what my life might be like had certain events not occurred. But isn't it valid to assume that there is an equal but opposite impact from reflecting on how much better things would be if NEGATIVE events or turns of fate had not occurred? Would that not then be a wash with respect to the person's satisfaction with the outcome of these random events? Or does is depend on the degree of satisfaction one currently feels with his/her lot?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisFor example, my career plans were derailed by a draft notice when I graduated from college in 1967. After the service I was unable to continue my chosen path and ended up in an entirely different line of work. I was very happy in it, so I now see that interruption as a positive thing; but what if I had ended up with a job like some of those I had as an undergraduate working my way through college, jobs that I dreaded going to every day? I imagine my memory of that draft letter might be a very bitter one as I reflected on how my rosy dreams of career satisfaction were crushed.
My! I'm surprised at the negative responses this article elicited. Apparently people are rather touchy about the possibility of increasing their level of happiness.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI agree with blakley52, but Candide is by no way stupid. Stupid was Pangloss... The whole thing is interesting, but it smells too "commonsensish". I know Lyubomirsky's writings, and the whole thing is too linguistic. Some Ockham, some Skinner could maybe clean the methods, the results and the conclusions.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisIvan Mario Braun, MD
Psychiatrist
Those who desire to be happier will see the insight in this piece and will adopt it inh their lives, along with a gratitude journal. Those who choose to continue to be unhappy will attack and dme4an the article. For my part, I was previously unaware of the impact of this counter-factual imagining and will adopt it as part of my happiness hygeine. I shall be happier as a consequence.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisAs for others, why not just "fake it til you make it." That is, do it and see what happens. Perhaps you'll find that you're happier after a few weeks...
"How to rationalize the accidental events of life as in some way evidencing your tendency to attract the good side of luck."
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe heading suggests ---husband--. Do the conclusions apply to males?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisEkambaram
The whole sum of the article is that thinking about not having X or Y makes you feel lucky that you do. This is a fairly self-evident proposition that doesn't warrant a two-page article, much less research funding.
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