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Online dating might give you something, but it's probably not a soul mate.
Most sites rely on what’s called an "exclusive process"—they use an algorithm to find romantic matches based variables, from interests to fetishes. But now a team of psychologists from five universities has performed a systematic review. And they say that most claims for the power of the "exclusive process" don’t pan out. Their report is in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest.
The existing "matching algorithms" miss key variables for long-term love. They necessarily make matches before the parties meet. But studies show that the strongest predictors of solid relationships are a couple’s live interaction style and ability to handle stress. Data about characteristics like personality and attitudes cannot accurately predict how that real life interaction will function.
The scientists also note that online profile photos are poor proxies for the chemistry sparked by meeting in the flesh. Which leads to a lot of disappointing coffee dates. And many potentially successful matches never happen.
Of course the researchers admit online dating helps singles meet more people more quickly. And so might still lead to that magic match. But that’s statistics, not psychology.
—Christie Nicholson
[The above text is a transcript of this podcast.]
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Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI'm guessing the first 'paragraph' is unprocessed HTML...
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisgood point - better to test on face to face interaction ... if a girl likes a guy, she may insult him to test his reaction ... ?
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI read the other day about speed dating that we tend to make a decision on first meeting strangers within 200 milliseconds - in other words a fifth of a second - and first impressions last - in other words - we tend to make snap judgements about appearance.
Women tended to be choosy, holding out for the best, while men tended to make many relatively random offers - as fits our genetic investment in sex.
Some of these dating scams focus on compatibility. I married a woman with whom I was most compatible, music, religion, personalities, sense of humor, money matters, etc. The marriage died after 2-years of boredom. Then I married a women with whom I wasn't at all compatible, different music, different religion, different ethic and cultural group, headstrong, anal retentive, etc. We're been married for 43 years and it's never been boring, that's for sure.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe alleged psychological pap presented in this article illustrates the flawed thinking(?) in such articles. Just two points out of many -- first unless the participants provide honest responses to the on-line questions and most males (unfortunately) don’t then there can be no equity and second unless the participants have given considerable thought to their inner core beliefs and interests there can be no reasoned response. In my opinion, a psychological assessment is the last entity one needs for making the ultimate decision for dating and marriage and I base this comment on the reported failures. // justanoldcowboy
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisHey Cowboy! Great comment. As a data-loving, nerdy former business analyst who also happens to be happily married from online dating, I applaud you! And having read the study cover to cover - it doesn't at all imply that Online Dating doesn't work as stated in the Podcast title. The study gives credibility to the fact that you have increased probabilities at meeting a potential match by being on a site with like-minded individuals. Kind of a no-brainer.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisAnd you are absolutely right on the point that we Citizens of the Online Dating Toad Kingdom don't need more people telling us how it won't work. How about a little encouragement. Next thing you know, researchers are going to tell us that Online Dating Causes Cancer
Just an opinion from a Master Toad Kisser!
No doubt there are always "successes" out there for most anything, no matter how improbable. But there's also a growing amount of evidence which suggests that online dating (like the internet) attracts more than its share of folks who simply don't do so well with forming "attachments" or even with that thang we like to call "real life"! And especially if you're a woman, who really isn't all that serious about an LTR, but still enjoys pretending that you're still "available" and that guys will still chase after you, and that'll help make you feel as though you're still a player.... even though you have this need for "space" and "independence", and all your relationships with your gal pals, grown kids, or your dog (who's also your "best friend), all seem to say otherwise!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisNot all on-line websites are the same. There are many, like match.com, that are focused on a quick hookup. But there are others, like eharmony, where I met my wife, that make the introduction process complex enough and expensive enough that only those truly interested in a long term relationship end up there.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisOn-line dating doesn't work well for everyone, but for those like myself who are strongly adverse to bars and the sort of people who hang out there, on-line dating is wonderful.
John Gottman, Ph.D. once stated that the algorithm used by eHarmony was "bullshit". I have to agree with Dr. Gottman on this one. It's one thing to have a picture and profile, it's another to have some sort of psychological assessment and fancy hocus-pocus algorithm on your site to charge more for the service.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThe bottom line is this - if you are going to utilize online dating, be smart. Once you have enough information, pick a public place and meet early in the process. There is no need to go on and on with long emails and phone calls - just meet the person and determine if you have any chemistry. That's always the first thing anyway. Without chemistry, you can, at best, be friends. With it, you can be a lot more and frankly, there's no way to determine this without meeting face to face.
So I'm fine with the basic sites like match.com or others like this - of course you can screen for certain psychological components and compatibility, but since people do lie to make themselves seem more appealing, there's no point in basing much on this anyway. Same as to pictures.
My "meet early" mantra is somewhat similar to using speed dating where you meet a lot of possibles in a short period of time. Either way, any little surprises are revealed fairly quickly (oh, you're 20 pounds heavier than your photo, or 10 years older), and you've invested relatively little in terms of time and energy.
Let's face it, you can meet someone in church and they can be a liar or sociopath, so the idea that there is a preferred, risk-free method of meeting a spouse is, like John Gottman suggested, "bullshit."
Oh and yes - I met my husband through match.com. We've been married now for over six years and couldn't be happier. I took my own advice.
Laura Thomas, MFT
I've done my share of online dating and have met some great, some good, and some not-so good guys. I can honestly say the guys who I have the most chemistry with in the flesh have been the ones who I had the fewest interests in common with. I'm an artist who used to be an Animal Health Tech but I seem to have the most chemistry with athletic men who take an interest in cars, sports, and camping which are things I myself don't value to a high degree. I believe people are attracted to qualities they themselves don't possess to an extent. I wouldn't be impressed with a guy who could draw a pencil sketch just as well as me, but I'm sure attracted to a guy who knows how to cook me an amazing meal as cooking as a bachelorette isn't my strong suit.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI met my last boyfriend online and after a two year relationship and parting ways I am again having a fantastic time meeting men that I would otherwise never meet as I'm not interested in the bar scene and do the majority of my work from home. Yet I find myself going on multiple dates a week and loving it. Even if it doesn't lead to "The One" at least I'm having a great time working towards him and learning about what I do and don't want in a partner.
So do I believe online dating works? Yes, but generally I've learned to venture away from the selected matches and check out the profiles who aren't a mirror image of mine and make sure to meet people early in the process to check for the physical chemistry that's so important.