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Who do you think apologizes more often, men or women?
I think a lot of us might answer: Women. And as a Canadian woman I probably apologize more than anyone else.
Interestingly though, recent research revealed a curious twist for why women tend to apologize more.
Researchers analyzed the number of self-reported offences and apologies made by 66 subjects over a 12-day period. And yes, they confirmed women consistently apologized more times than men did. But they also found that women report more offenses than men. So the issue is not female over-apology. Instead, there may be a gender difference in what is considered offensive in the first place. The research appears in the September online issue of Psychological Science.
In a second study three separate offences were rated by 120 subjects on a seven-point scale. And women consistently rated the three offences as more severe than men did. Turns out that men are just as likely as women to apologize for a given offense. But their threshold for thinking they have committed an offense is higher.
In fact, according to this research, women and men could easily disagree on whether or not a transgression has occurred at all. Ouch! I’m sorry to hear that.
—Christie Nicholson
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14 Comments
Add CommentInteresting, I wonder what the specific differences were between 'the genders' as to what was considered insulting.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI'm a bit disheartened by some of the other comments here, and the article itself, well, seems a bit unscientific.
Like most social sciences, this article does not lend itself to credible analysis. I suspect the reasons are related to females believing they need to be in a subordinate position to those more powerful (men and women) in order to promote themselves or to avoid conflicts. Then again this is opinion is based on anecdotal observations as well!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisI have a daughter who plays Water Polo. She was very upset lat week when the coach, a male, criticized her. We entered into a discussion with her mother and sister and all the females concluded that you cannot criticize a woman similar to men because women are more sensitive. I was a mid level manager in a Social Services agency with a staff 90% women. Through the years I experienced countless episodes where women reacted emotionally, many times to tears, for various situations. In all my years I never had a man cry over a situation other than myself when I had to report the death of a female employee with a young daughter. Women want to be treated equally but it is subject to certain approaches required to protect their emotional state off being. Otherwise you have women constantly crying..
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisHas anyone here read The Female Brain, or the book Brain Sex? There is some pretty interesting research out there about the differences in male and female brains. Female brains tend to be geared more toward social aspects of the world, so this fits.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisAnd really, flycaster, you would not be here if a woman had not birthed you, so show some respect. This isn't the forum for the kind of comment you made.
Shawnajosephine almost got my dander up, but I liked her closing line way too much to take offense. I agree with GroverSage that flycaster's viewpoint is an anachronism and I don't think resonates well with the average man born after the 1960's in the US. I agree that dbtinc that this study isn't really scientific. It can only constitute a single observation. It is extremely unlikely that such a small sampling of people from such a short period says much scientifically other than at that time, for those 66 people, there just happened to be more women who were more likely to report both offenses and apologies. It could be meaningful. For instance the population statistic about men being stronger or taller than women measured in that sample would also be measurable. Or it could be meaningless. With such a small sample, probably taken from a class of psychology students, you might also conclude that 100% of people were college educated, had ages ranging from 17 to 23 or (if this was a private US college) that 95% of people come from parents with a combined income of greater than $100/year.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThat being said, if we pretend for a moment that this single observation were reflecting on a population trend, I think that women are much more social. Recent studies have purportedly disproved the notion that women talk a lot more than men, but I think that men establish a status hierarchy early on and challenge it rarely. You don't confront your boss very much, even if you disagree with him/her. This is a very strict example of a male hierarchy, even if the people involved are women. It evolved from hunts and military operations where questioning the commander at the wrong time can lead to not only your death but the death of your whole platoon. Even when not in a deadly situation, however, men sort of settle into a hierarchy. There's usually some sort of leader, and that leader usually has more social status. With women, I think their perception of social status is subtle and dynamic. It can change based on an off comment and is more likely to be constantly challenged and changing. If any of these viewpoints are accurate, it could explain why women are more likely to both give and perceive offense. Zinn21 points out that women are obviously more emotional. But I think we need to get over our historically male notion that such an emotional perspective is wrong. It isn't worse, or better, just different. And yes having a little more tact when talking to women is probably a good idea in general.
Maybe men don't recognize an invitation to fight from a women as much as from a man... and don't recognize a chance to make up as a sexual invitation...
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisAlthough your second statement doesn't make sense to me, the first statement makes partial sense. Men might be under-reporting the times they offended women if they didn't even realize it. I sort of assumed that the extra offenses and apologies among women were from woman-woman interactions, rather from men being so sensitive as to require women to apologize more frequently to them. I thought initially that cross-gender arguments would cancel out, but not if the men under-reported their offenses, or conversely, women over-reporting their offenses in cases where there was no offense to apologize for in the first place. To say nothing of evaluating whether or not the individuals were lying about their behavior, or behaving differently because they were being studied, or men simply forgetting things and if reminded would have been like "Oh that? That was nothing." The statistics were unfortunately not broken down into same gender and cross gender figures for both the male and female cases. All in all, it leaves a lot more questions than answers and is very weak statistically anyway.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisShade1974, I am glad I was able to un-offend with my closing apology. If you are a man, touche, we need more of your type changing the misconceptions that I, and many women of my mind-set, have.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisThanks for this, Christie. I wrote about this very subject recently, but specifically about women heart attack survivors. As one myself, I can tell you that apologizing for "being a bother' (never mind actually doing anything really worth apologizing for!) is extremely common among women patients. When an E.R. doc sent me home in mid-heart attack with an acid reflux misdiagnosis (in spite of presenting with crushing chest pain and pain radiating down my left arm) I not only apologized for having wasted his very valuable time for five hours while making a fuss "over nothing", I even sent the E.R. staff a sheepish and apologetic thank you note next day!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisFor women, saying sorry is just part of our conversational arsenal, one of the tools we use to keep relationships steady. Time magazine recently explored the rush of public celebrity apologies, like the “I’m very sorry I got caught” version produced by Tiger Woods. One of the differences noted between men and women's apologies:
“Women’s apologies are more a course correction than a U-turn. Women are more likely than men to apologize when they’re only partially to blame. They even say sorry when they’re not at fault, as a way of expressing empathy.”
Women tend also to begin a differing opinion with an apology, as in "Well, I'm sorry, but I think..." as if even having an opinion is an offensive act that requires a public apology beforehand.
More on this at HEART SISTERS:
http://www.myheartsisters.org/2010/09/15/sorry/
Carolyn - Most men I know apologize to women a lot for things the women did wrong and for which the man has no responsibility at all, as a method to keep the peace. If one man calls another a dumbass there is generally no real offense given or taken. It is just a way of venting discontent. If a man calls a woman that, regardless of the intent, there is going to be offense taken.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisMen may not directly say "I'm sorry" but they frequently change behavior or indicate remorse in nonverbal ways. When there is a real study that uses a double blind method and involves thousands of people then I'll give it some credence.
Can I just say: brilliant! As a quasi-expert in gender differences myself, I can say it's rare to see a man so insightful. Not a slam on men - truly, I don't believe in male-bashing. Just an acknowledgement that men and women are different, and one of the ways in which they differ is that "ordinary" (i.e., on average) men are relatively less interested in and informed about psychological distinctions. Clearly, you are no "ordinary" man and, because that contributes to a better understanding of both sexes BY both sexes, I applaud you!
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWomen you more quickly to apologize because they are warm heart and they like to have peace with in the situation. They tend to wear their feelings on their shoulders, and they are hoping that somewhere down the road the men will pick up that they and follow their behavior.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thisWow! Interesting! Actually Women have more capacity to tolerate anything than men. Women's heart are more powerful and tough than men. They can apolize easily because their heart are more kind and soft than men.
Reply | Report Abuse | Link to thishttp://www.insideheart.com/
I'm male, and I apologize a lot. Many times, I have been told that there was no reason for my apology. In fact I've been told that my actions aren't even important enough to register and I was being arrogant to believe they were. So, even though my sincere apologies are good intentioned, being a male, they are not well received.
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