Congratulations, you survived the Mayan apocalypse. I knew you could do it.
I had complete confidence that I would live past the alleged planetary expiration date of December 21, 2012, provided I didn't get hit by a bus or slip in the bathtub. But those modes of demise are, of course, far less tantalizing than some end-of-the world fantasy dreamed up by amateur archaeologists and sucked down by people who perhaps never worry that they have undiagnosed hypertension or that the highway bridge they cross daily hasn't been properly maintained.
So many people heard so much dumb stuff about the world ending that official government agencies went out of their way to calm down small segments of their populations.
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According to the New York Times, Russia's minister of emergency situations assured his people that their Earth-monitoring technology (satellites and seismographs?) showed no existential threats to the planet. He then correctly reminded them that they were still under threat from “blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, floods, trouble with transportation and food supply, breakdowns in heat, electricity and water supply.”
In an attempt to stanch this minor madness, the U.S. government issued a blog post reassuring the populace that the world would continue on schedule. The blog quotes nasa scientist David Morrison: “At least once a week I get a message from a young person—as young as 11—who says they are ill and/or contemplating suicide because of the coming doomsday.” Little kids can get really spooked by stray talk from parents and other elders who may seriously contemplate the reality of the end of the world while never musing over how they're going to financially survive their years of retirement.
By the way, the governmental blog notes that “the world will not end on December 21, 2012, or any day in 2012.” Way to commit to another 10 days of assured existence.
Meanwhile Australian prime minister Julia Gillard showed that she is a force to be reckoned with on the world stage. In a stone-faced video performance worthy of Buster Keaton or even Nicole Kidman, she says, “My dear remaining fellow Australians, the end of the world is coming. It wasn't Y2K. It wasn't even the carbon price. It turns out that the Mayan calendar is true…. Whether the final blow comes from flesh-eating zombies, demonic hell beasts or from the total triumph of K-pop [for Korean pop music; also see “PSY”], if you know one thing about me, it is this: I will always fight for you to the very end. And at least this means I won't have to do Q&A again. Good luck to you all.”
Take a moment and imagine the reactions from various quarters if an American president had summoned the spirit to joke like that on television. At the very least, there would have been a run on bread, milk and batteries.
Most people have already probably forgotten the exciting end-of-the-world action of 2011, when May 21 was supposed to be “Rapture and Judgment Day,” according to radio evangelist Harold Camping. I live in New York City, so I'm used to seeing the representatives of doomsday cults—why, on any given day you can still spot people wearing Mets caps. But even here in Sodom and Gomorrah, dozens of mostly young women were wandering around last year with “May 21st Judgment Day” signs.
I passed the same group of women a few days in a row in the long, low tunnel connecting Grand Central's East Side IRT subway trains with the shuttle to Times Square. Having poor self-control, I finally said to one, “You'll be here on the 22nd.” And lo, she looked as if she were wont to smite me. Still, I hope her Christmas was joyous in 2012 and that her existential threat load is low in 2013. Same to you.
