MANY PEOPLE HAVE grown up hearing the same exhortations: “Put your shoulder to the wheel!” “Pull yourself together!” “Shape up!” All these demands are aimed at the same thing: self-control. This ability is an essential life skill, yet it also has the obvious drawback of being stressful. It is hard enough for most people to force themselves to see a dentist for an annual checkup. Accomplishing a larger, longer-range goal can be so daunting that we often never confront it.
The reason we demur, psychologically, is that self-control does not give us enough sustained motivation to achieve big plans. For that we need self-regulation, something we do every day without realizing it. Understanding how to spot your own self-regulating mechanisms, and then how to exploit them, will give you greater power to reach your most prized objectives.[break] I Will Go Jogging
Our brains employ two forms of willful control. The first is volitional memory. It comes into play, for example, when Beverly, an architect, makes up her mind on Wednesday morning that at the upcoming Friday meeting, “I will voice my objection to the design of the new school's facade.” Her volitional memory has to keep her intentions intact for two days. That's not too hard, but not simple either; anyone who has ever said to herself, “This weekend I will go jogging,” knows how hard it can be to keep that intention afloat. Beverly's volitional memory has to inhibit her will to say something before Friday and to see that she waits until the right moment at the meeting to most effectively interject her ideas.
Self-control is enough to accomplish this kind of task because the goal is very concrete, relatively short range and not overly demanding. But for loftier goals, our volitional memory tends to run out of gas. Resolutions evaporate as soon as we are under stress or are distracted.
For these challenges, we must engage the second form of willful control: emotional experiential memory. This function stores all experiences and evaluates them from an emotional perspective. In contrast to volitional memory, it operates unconsciously. Rather than posting a verbal idea in our conscious minds (“I have to wait until the meeting on Friday”), experiential memory makes use of somatic markers, emotions or physical sensations that inform us about a situation based on past experiences or feelings. Somatic markers include the churning in our stomachs when we are anxious, a flushing of the cheeks when we are embarrassed, wide-open eyes when we hear an idea that excites us, or a relaxation of body muscles signaling the relief we feel when we get something off our chest.
Self-regulation will not work for externally set goals, such as “Beginning tomorrow I will go on a diet because the doctor told me that being overweight is unhealthy” or “I want to work harder because then my boss will pay more attention to me.” These impositions go directly to our volitional memory, putting us into a self-control mode that simply cannot sustain the effort required.
To use emotional experiential memory, such goals have to be reformulated into more general targets that will evoke strong positive emotions in us, such as “I would like to have an attractive, sexy figure” or “I would like to contribute more to this company project because I am excited about how it could turn out.”
Once such an internally generated, emotional goal is identified, experiential memory will provide the necessary motivation. It offers a tool kit of clever tricks. For example, it can influence the parts of the brain that are responsible for mood and general arousal.
A doctoral student who is working on her dissertation can resist, more than occasionally, the invitations from her roommates to go to the beach or to go out drinking, because those events will delay the work she must complete to finally attain her Ph.D. This example highlights the difference between self-control and self-regulation. When the young woman's intention to research her dissertation comes from her experiential memory, it will not harm her psychic health if she forgoes, even for a whole year, the pleasures her friends enjoy. Her feeling of satisfaction in creating what will be a fulfilling life as a Ph.D. will outweigh the disappointment of short-term sacrifices. If, on the other hand, completing her degree was based on nothing more than fulfilling the exhortations of her parents, she would have only self-control to drive her, and her emotional experiential memory would constantly rebel.[break] Forging a Plan
The best way to learn the difference between self-control and self-regulation, and to figure out how to harness them to your advantage, is to train yourself to be aware of your somatic markers. One tool is to keep a log for about four weeks. Carry a small notebook, and over the course of a normal day, record events that evoke negative or positive somatic markers. Note the time, date, event, type of somatic marker and some indication of why you think you felt that marker. For example:
Tuesday, June 14
6:45 A.M. Erika asks if I can pick up Timmy from day care this evening. Negative somatic marker (sinking feeling in stomach). Reason: time pressure because of my meeting with Mr. Lewis.
10:15 A.M. Dan comes into my office and invites me for coffee. Positive somatic marker (feeling of freedom). Reason: conversation might help me find a better way to solve the project analysis I'm struggling with.
This method will produce two kinds of information. First, it will identify recurring situations that you find annoying and that you can use self-control to adjust. But more so, it will give you an insight into the somatic markers that your emotional experiential memory taps into, which may be very different from those of the people around you.
After four weeks of such bookkeeping, you will be aware of your somatic markers and find ways to use them. You should ask yourself: “How can I prevent situations that elicit negative somatic markers and increase the positive occurrences?” You could learn from your June 14 entry, for example, only to agree to pick up Timmy from day care when doing so does not conflict with a business appointment. In compensation, you could tell Erika you will bring Timmy to day care on certain other days.
A cautionary note: reconfiguring your daily life is a long-term project. Do not expect dramatic changes at once. But anyone can certainly find several points that could be attacked immediately. Begin with small changes, and then you can go for major alterations. Resolve to avoid snacks during the morning or to say yes to new assignments. Once you feel comfortable with these kinds of moves, you can consider a plan for grander prizes: permanent weight loss or a more rewarding career.